Desires of the heart

Earlier this year I sent out an extremely late Christmas/New Year/thank you letter to many people who had loved us through the birth and death of Hezekiah, and while writing it I’d been meditating on the heart attitude ‘if the LORD wills.’

The unexpected death of a healthy baby has a way of jolting all of us out of our arrogant slumber through life, exposing our faulty thinking, and forcing us to question our firmly held beliefs about life. James 4:13-16 turns us away from leaning on our own understanding, being wise in our own eyes, and guides us back to our Father, the sovereign God of Truth.

“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.”

My heavenly Father had been preparing me for this particular testing and proving my faith (James 1:2-4) through the decades of health issues, decades of singleness, years of infertility, years of pursuing adoption, a life of unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. He had taught to me to hold things lightly, but grasp Him tightly.

We all have expectations, conscious and unconscious, of our lives and the lives of our loved ones, and even the lives of our enemies. We are taught to follow our heart, dream big, set goals, aim for the moon, believe in ourselves, find your passion, never give up; and all this positive thinking will make us captains of our own destinies to live happy and successful lives.

I had held my dreams, expectations, what I believed were the promises - the very will - of God so very tightly until I heard my seminary professor say, ‘What if it’s God’s will for you to never have relief from this depression/anxiety/pain? What if it’s God’s will for you to remain single, barren, ill? Will you still believe and declare God is good and does good? Do you really believe God is good all the time, all the time God is good?’

God was showing me that He does not promise marriage to all His children who desire marriage. But I neglected to extend that lesson to the fact that He also does not promise parenthood to all His married children.

Once we were married and able to pursue parenthood, both of us understood that we would most likely need to adopt to become parents, and just assumed that if we went about pursuing adoption biblically we would be guaranteed parenthood. Afterall, we’re commanded to multiply and bear fruit, right? But once again, we had committed the evil sin of presumption and arrogance.

Well-meaning people would try to offer suggestions for finding a husband when I was single, and then when I was married try to offer suggestions for getting pregnant or fostering or adopting. All of it came back to the faulty thinking that marriage and parenthood are always God’s will for all of His children that desire them.

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 Those of you who know me well, know that it is my pet peeve verse because of how it is wrongly handled, misapplied, twisted and distorted to the spiritual detriment of many.

Love the LORD your God with ALL your heart… God Himself is to be the desire of my heart. Thy will be done. Not My will, Father, but Yours. God’s will is to be desired over my own will. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. My heart is to be set on God, nothing/no one else. No one can serve two masters. You shall have no other gods before Me. (Interesting observation is that the gods of the nations that Israel whored after were most times fertility gods.) When we delight in the LORD, we have Him as our heart’s desire. When God is the desire of my heart, He gives me more and more of Himself. When God is the desire of my heart, I am fulfilling my life purpose, I am fulfilling God’s will for me – to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. (Deuteronomy 6:5; Matthew 22:37; Luke 10:27; Matthew 6:10, 19-21, 24; Luke 22:42; Exodus 20:3)

When I found out I was pregnant, so many people responded in praising God for ‘giving me the desire of my heart’, for ‘satisfying my desire’ to be a mom, for His faithfulness, etc. If these were their thoughts and beliefs about the pregnancy, what thoughts and beliefs did they have about Hezekiah’s death 16 days after birth? The faulty thinking just leads to further faulty thinking, which can lead to being angry at God and going into utter despair and having Him give us over to debased minds. (Romans 1:18-32)

By God’s grace, Joel and I had held God Himself as the deepest desire of our hearts even as the possibility of parenthood was at hand. And while people thought we’d lost ‘the desire of our heart’, we were actually being filled to overflowing with God Himself, beyond anything we could have ever imagined or attempt to express. Yes, when we delight in the LORD, He gives us the desires of our heart in overwhelming abundance.

There’s the age-old question: ‘Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people?’ that connects with the mishandling of Psalm 37:4.

It is very revealing of the health of the professing Christian church that we have been so conformed to the world that we too ask this question, and that we miserably fail to answer it rightly. (Romans 12:2) It has the stink of the devil, and like Eve in the fall, we’re so foolish in our own wisdom that we are easily deceived and drawn away from the Truth, and trust our own understanding. (Genesis 3:1-5; Proverbs 3:5)

In our blind and deceived foolishness of following our hearts, we judge for ourselves what is good and what is bad. We, like Eve, look at outward appearances and do not believe God about what is good or bad. (Genesis 3:6; I Samuel 16:7)

In the professing Christian church, it is good for a girl to grow up desiring to be a wife and mother. It is even ‘good’ for the desire of her heart to be, “to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands”. (Psalm 37:4; Titus 2:4-5) It is even believed that it is God Himself who gave this girl this desire of her heart. And in the professing Christian church, it is taught that this girl can rightly expect, demand, to receive this desire of her heart if she delights in God by guarding her heart, saving her virginity, asking God in Jesus’ name for it, and not doubt that she will certainly receive it. (Proverbs 4:23; Hebrews 13:4; John 14:14; Matthew 7:7-11; James 1:6-7)

This understanding, teaching, and belief is the very same evil James is referring to; and is satan’s twisting and distorting God’s Word and promises, just as he did in the fall, and just as he tempted Jesus in the wilderness. (Matthew 4:1-11) Even in satan’s craftiness, there truly is nothing new under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

This evil is taught and encouraged in the very same professing Christian circles that vehemently teach against the ‘health and wealth’ gospel, the ‘name it and claim it’ message, and the ‘abundant life’ message. This is the professing Christian churches, circles, camps/conferences, schools that I grew up in; magazines, books, devotions I read; and music I listened to and sang.

This is why I was so hesitant to share my ‘Christian’ history and education. Because I am very much aware of how the label ‘Christian’ causes us to let our guards down, contrary to God’s continual, consistent alerts, warnings, and commands to keep and guard the good deposit given to us, to contend for the faith. (II Timothy 1:12-14; Jude 3)

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” Matthew 7:15

“having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” II Timothy 3:5

“test everything” I Thessalonians 5:21

“examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.” Acts 17:11

Do not let your guard down while reading this blog just because the author has been brought up and educated in the Christian church, just because the outward appearances are godly. Just because I have Scripture references does not mean that I am rightly handling the Word of God. Look them up in your Bible, read the context, interpret Scripture with Scripture, and pray for the Spirit of Truth to open your eyes, ears, mind and heart.

The testing and proving of my faith has been, and continues to be, exposing these false beliefs and understandings of God, His Word, and myself that are hidden in my heart from a life of growing up in the ‘Christian’ world, and then replacing them with Scripture. (II Corinthians 10:3-6) There is much work to be done, and the more I grow, the more I see how much more growth is needed!

The testing and proving of my faith is in a way deconstructing my faith to sure up its foundation by removing the sand and replacing it with the Rock. (Matthew 7:24-27; Luke 6:46-49; Matthew 12:43-45) This deconstructing of my faith is being done by God Himself, through His Holy Spirit of Truth and His Holy Word of Truth, but that does not remove my personal responsibility of communing with Him and His people.

God calls it sanctification, and He has promised it. Sanctification was Jesus’ dying request of His Father. “Sanctify them in the Truth; Your Word is Truth.” John 17:17 (John 14:26; Hebrews 4:12; II Timothy 3:16-17)

Psalm 19:12-14, “Who can discern his errors? (Jeremiah 17:9-10, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ‘I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.’”) Declare to me innocent from hidden faults. Keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock, and my Redeemer.”

I can see God’s hand keeping and guarding me throughout the times of being under the authority of false ‘Christian’ doctrine. He gave me then, and continues to fan the flame in me now, a zeal and deep, desperate longing for Truth. He has been patient, gentle, steadfast in this loving process of renewing my mind, purifying my heart. And He has made me taste and see the freedom, peace, and joy of living in the Truth, in Christ.

“Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.” Luke 12:48 “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. …for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. …builds up the Church. …so that the Church may be built up. …strive to excel in building up the Church.” I Corinthians 12:7; 14:3-5, 12

I struggle with the sin of perfectionism, which is really pride and idolizing myself, my gifts. I don’t like doing things publicly until I’ve perfected whatever it is because then all will see and know I’m a fake, a fraud, a hypocrite when I mess up. This side of heaven, my understanding of God, His Word, and myself will not be perfect, and James warns teachers we “will be judged with greater strictness.” James 3:1-2 I’ve always said that I’m not a teacher, but the commentary shows me how I am, how we all are. ‘Teachers exert influence over trusting students, a relationship that makes the students vulnerable to serious error.’ (Reformation Study Bible, ESV) We all exert influence over others, but that influence is under the sovereign will of God Almighty.

It is by faith and in love that I am writing publicly. (I Corinthians 13:1-3; Ephesians 4:15) I’ve had to pray, and will continue prayering, ‘I believe! Help my unbelief.’ as I take this manifestation of the Spirit and responsibility seriously, while also keeping God’s sovereignty in mind. (Mark 9:24)

He has promised to keep and guard His own, and to preserve each one of His children to the end of their earthly lives, or until Jesus comes again, to build His Church, and to prepare His Bride. Just as nothing has thwarted God’s plan and love for me; nothing will thwart God’s plan and love for you. (John 17:9-17; Matthew 16:18; Ephesians 1:3-6; Romans 8:38-39)

-Soli Deo gloria