Lord, make me a birdbrain.

As I’ve been practicing ‘giving thanks in all circumstances’ and praying for humility and meekness, the LORD has been providing ample opportunities to the exercise these acts of obedience and attitudes of the heart and mind.

His specific choice of opportunities for me have been involving my physical and mental health.

“You have dealt well with Your servant,

O LORD, according to Your Word.

…

Before I was afflicted I went astray,

but now I keep Your Word.

You are good and do good;

teach me Your statutes.

…

It is good for me that I was afflicted,

that I might learn Your statutes.”

Psalm 119:65, 67-68, 71

By the grace of God, I have been able to proclaim these praises with a sincere heart after times of affliction, but I desired to be able to proclaim them in the midst of afflictions. This has been one of the fruits of obedience to the commandment to ‘give thanks in all circumstances’ and humbling myself/denying myself by not leaning on my own understanding.

My multiple and chronic health issues are often exasperated by insomnia, and so I’d been praying to be able to view waking up in the middle of the night as my Father calling me away with Himself for a special time of communion with Him, and so I began thanking Him for waking me up and for desiring to spend this dark and quiet time with me.

This progressed to thanking Him for whatever it was that woke me up in the earthly sense, such as migraines, aches and pains, nightmares, incessant thoughts and worries, etc. And much like the father speaking to Jesus saying he believed and asked for help with his unbelief, I’d thank God for whatever was afflicting me and immediately confess that I was not thankful from my heart but was simply obeying outwardly. I would then tell Him, sometimes asking but mostly telling Him, that I needed Him to bless my outward obedience by transforming my bitter, ungrateful heart to truly be thankful.

Night after night we’d go through this process, and night after night He’d faithfully transform my heart to be overflowing with gratitude, peace, and joy! I’d finish up this precious time with my Father with tears in my eyes, completely overwhelmed with His love for me and singing whatever hymn of praise had come to mind.

This went on for months, until one night I had ‘had enough’ of God’s great faithfulness (I’m embarrassed to type those words out), and I just started laying into Him saying, ‘Really?! Really, LORD?! We’re still doing this? Don’t You think I’ve learned the lesson? Can’t we move on from this? I am so sick and tired of this. I am beyond weary.’

Even with my irreverence, my prideful and arrogant attitude, my snarky mocking scoff, He again transformed my heart with shocking patience, gentleness, and kindness that melted my impatience and frustration.

As He gently corrected and rebuked me in such a way that I felt as though I was being deeply cared for, firmly spoken to while cuddled on His lap, the dawn was breaking, and I could begin to hear the birds waking up.

‘Consider the birds of the air’ – I realized, not only does God provide for their earthly needs, but He provides them each with their own ‘good work’, purpose, which He has prepared for them to do and equipped them to do.

God has given them a specific song to sing. For some it is the same exact song over and over again, and can be only two notes. Every morning, at the break of dawn, these birds wake up and eagerly, cheerfully sing these same two notes on repeat for the rest of the day.

They never grow weary of their song because it’s ‘their song’, personally given to them by God, the Creator of heaven and earth! They never pause to think ‘I was made for something more, something greater than this!’ They are simply overjoyed that God has given them a song of their own for His glory, and so they sing it loudly with zeal.

It is another sneaky form of my pride and arrogance that makes me weary of the song that God has given me to sing.

It is another sneaky form of my pride and arrogance that makes me think I should be doing something greater with my life.

It is another sneaky form of my pride and arrogance that makes me think I’ve learned this lesson ‘well enough’ and am ready to move on.

Because I think too much about myself, too highly of myself, and too much about my ‘potential’, I am discontented, ungrateful and weary of the good works my King, my Lord, my Father created and called me to do as part of His kingdom, church, and family.

“For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of wickedness.”

Psalm 84:10

'For a sleepless night of pain in Your presence is better than a lifetime of full, restful nights sleep.

I would rather sing this song of obedience, confession, and supplication than continue in my own way and will.'

And so as the cheerful songs of the birds silenced all this thinking, and I listened with jealousy of their bird brains, I muttered, ‘Lord, make me a birdbrain.’