"Deny yourself" – 'You keep using that (phrase). I do not think it means what you think it means.'

I’m coming to learn that Jesus’ call to His followers to deny themselves does not, and will not, look the same on the outside for each of us. It is a matter of the heart.

For a girl who has always loved black and white, clear set rules to obsessively follow, this is a very frightening conclusion to come to. I do not like to think outside of my comfortable, protective and secure boxes. But given that my life has not been anything like what I dreamed, planned, and prepared for it to be, all my comfortable, protective, secure boxes have been broken down and tossed in the recycling to make room for my Father to have His own way.

I thought I was denying myself when I decided at a young age that I did not want a career, I did not want a higher education, I did not want wealth, I did not want to travel, I did not want a large house and yard, I did not want great talent or fame; but I wanted a simple life, quiet and comfortable.

I wanted to get married young, start a big family, stay home and homeschool, garden, cut coupons, menu plan and shop sales, and simply maintain a clean, tidy, peaceful and comfortable home and yard that welcomed others regularly.

It’s been said, far too many times, by far too many people, that if you really want something you will do whatever it takes to get it.

That if you really believe and trust and have faith in God, that He will give you the ‘desires of your heart’.

This is the complete opposite of what Jesus was saying about denying yourself.

This is the complete opposite of what heart attitude Jesus taught us to pray in the Lord’s prayer, and the complete opposite of His own example in the Garden of Gethsemane.

This is the complete opposite of why we are called to believe, trust, and have faith in God.

This is the complete opposite of what we are called to believe and hope in.

This is the complete opposite of delighting ourselves in God.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. Not My will, but Yours. To God be all the glory.

I really did desire that simple, housewife, homeschool-mom life. But by the time that became an option to do ‘whatever it would take’, God had shown me that though it was a good, God-glorifying desire, His will for my life is much better. He had stirred up in my heart to trust Him, and to desire His will for my life over my own. He had strengthened my faith in His goodness to accept that which did not make sense, nor what was expected.

This is truly denying myself. When we deny our own desires, our own dreams, our own plans, our own understanding of God’s will, that is what Jesus meant to deny yourself.

It is my desire to be at peace with the many, many broken relationships I’ve had. Especially the broken relationships with professing brothers and sisters in Christ.

I have rebelled against God and His call to deny myself by having persisted too long and too much in trying to reconcile with these loved ones. - 'Be at peace as far as it depends on you' (Romans 12:18), I took 'as far as it depends on you' to a sinful level.

I did not deny myself, but instead, believed in myself. Believed that I could fix these relationships. I could prove to these people that I deeply love and care about them. I could make things right.

But the truth is, it is out of my control. It did not depend on me.

It is not my responsibility.

It is not my duty nor obligation to convince those people to be at peace with me, to forgive me, nor to stir up in them affection for me so that they would desire a relationship with me and believe that I am truly humbled and repentant.

I started this post last week, and since then I’ve had surgery, and I am having to put into practice denying myself in a very physical manner.

I know that there is an evil twisting of God’s Truth about our physical bodies, our flesh, and the world’s call for us to listen to our bodies, our flesh.

Once again, it is a matter of the heart when it comes to listening to our flesh, our bodies. This is not what Paul was writing about when he was calling us to put off the flesh and put on the Spirit so that we may walk by the Spirit and not by the flesh.

This is a matter of God, our Creator, uniquely forming and knitting together each of us as physical individuals, with varying physical bodies, with varying energy levels, and strengths, and weaknesses.

To ignore the fact that I just had surgery, that trauma has happened to my body, and that I need to rest, I need to not lift things, I need to move slowly and with intention, would be an evil distortion of Jesus’ call to deny myself.

I have been fully embracing this evil distortion for my whole life.

I have prided myself on pushing my physical limits to see just how much my body could take.  

I’ve pushed myself staying up late finishing homework and studying because at that time I was a student and wanted to be a good steward of what the LORD had called me to, and was working heartily unto Him doing what students are supposed to do. - I was not being a good steward of my body, or mind, in denying myself sleep and mental rest.

I’ve forced myself to stumble into work with migraines, dizzy, barely able to see and speak, shaking and weak because unless I had a fever or was actively throwing up, I had made a commitment and needed to prove myself reliable and dependable to my bosses and my co-workers.

2023 I continually tortured and neglected my body, my health, and denied paying attention to all the warning signs of declining health.

I fervently prayed against these warning signs viewing them as hindrances to my service. Getting angry with my Good Shepherd for not giving me a break, especially as He promises rest so often, while I kept ignoring and rejecting His attempts to get me to lie down in green pastures and stroll besides waters of rest.

It took my primary care physician telling me over the phone, ‘Emily, you do not sound like yourself. There is no life and sunshine in your voice. You need to accept that you are not a healthy person. You have numerous physical limitations, and health risks that you need to accept.’

Her call to accept the reality of my poor health was a call to deny the delusion of me being healthy, and the delusion of me having control over the state of my health.

I had to deny that I have any control over my health.

I had to deny that I could fix my health.

I had to deny that I could not figure out how to stop having migraines, how to get on a sleep schedule and out of this insomnia, how to have more strength and energy and mental focus, how to balance my hormones, how to reverse insulin resistance, how to minimize stress and handle the rest of it well, how to lose weight, how to lose belly fat, how to lower my blood pressure, how to heal my digestion.

I had to accept that all of this is out of my control, and not my responsibility.

To accept what the LORD has willed for my life, my health, my body, and my relationships is to deny myself.

Elisabeth Elliot quoted someone, I missed the name and can’t find it on Google, “do not yield to longings after that which is impossible”.

She also said about unfulfilled longings that “in acceptance lies peace”.

This goes against everything the world bombards us with, and even the ‘church’ bombards us with!

It sounds like giving up, quitting, and not persevering!

But 'do whatever it takes' is not what Jesus has told us.

The truth will set you free.

When we deny ourselves rightly, we are set free.

We can only serve one master.

To deny myself as ‘master’, to deny myself as ‘captain of my own destiny’, and to stop trying to ‘take control of _’, is true freedom.

I am now free to set my eyes, mind, and heart on God, my Creator, my Redeemer, my Savior, my Lord, my Great Physician, my Wonderful Counselor, my Peace, my Rest, my Strength, my Refuge, my Defender, my Master, my All in all.

I am now free to cast off everyone’s views, opinions, calls, commands, accusations, ‘expert’ knowledge.

I am now free to cast off all the heavy and wearisome burdens I have gathered upon myself.

I am now free to find rest, peace, and quietness of mind and heart.

Rightly denying myself sets me free to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

-        soli Deo gloria (glory to God alone)