By faith she went out, not knowing where she was going

After all the overthinking about first impressions on the format of the home page, what to say in the ‘about me’ section, and what photos to place in the photo sections, I’m convicted and humbled by how easily and quickly I fall back into slavery to outward appearances, to my fear of man.

In this age of technology and social media, anonymity and hypocrisy have taken on a whole new meaning at a whole new level. Pretending or playing a part is much easier with the control of what we choose to ‘put out there’, and with the lack of real, personal, intimate relationships.

With a desire for transparency, and learning to exercise my trust in God’s wisdom and sovereignty over this pursuit of writing, I am openly sharing my ongoing struggle with how to identify myself.

We all have prejudices, whether we acknowledge them or not, so I pray that any partiality will be exposed and put off so that all the glory goes to God, and none to me, my parents, my mentors, or my formal education.

I grew up in a Christian home and do not remember a time before I was born again into Christ Jesus. I have no ‘before Christ’ testimony, but I do have decades of testimony about this sanctification process. It's mostly inward sanctification testimonies, and notsomuch outward behaviors that could be seen. One helpful illustration of this is that my nickname in high school was ‘perfect little white blonde girl’, but I was exactly like the Pharisees, a whitewashed tomb.

I went to Christian camps growing up, worked at a Bible conference in high school, attended Christian college (BA in psychology), and then attended seminary for my masters in biblical counseling. I then worked at my college as a resident director for a few years before moving to NYC for one year.

It wasn’t until I was about 39 years old (2019) that I began to mindfully learn to identify myself as a woman in Christ, versus trying to find my identity in the things of the world, in outward things, and earthly roles.

I’d been the baby in the family, a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, student leader, musician, baker, athlete, artist/crafter/quilter/sewer, honors student, health nut, fitness fiend, employee/housekeeper/server/admin assistant/landscaper/counselor/RD/boss/hostess, roommate.

But all these identifications were temporary and not satisfying. What I thought would be satisfying and permanent were the two titles, the two identities I most desired and prayed for: wife and mother. Wife didn’t come until I was nearly 31 years old. Mother came, and went, at age 40.

Titles, roles, positions, things we try to find our identity in can, and will, come and go. The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD. Those 30 plus years of the LORD gently, patiently, kindly teaching and training me to find my identity and satisfaction in Him alone was finally bearing fruit. I'd been praying that I would know deep in my heart that the LORD is my portion, that I would delight in Him - not just His gifts, that He Himself would be the desire of my heart, my treasure.

Two years ago today Joel and I got to meet Hezekiah face to face. There were so many moments in that pregnancy, during the birth, and throughout the following 16 days when I could not contain the overwhelming joy of God's love and would just laugh and cry. He has always blessed me with constant and consistent assurance of His love for me; but this experience of His love was all consuming, and I kept thinking my heart would explode because it just could not contain it. I kept thinking I could not possibly know love any more deeply and completely than I do right now, and then again, and again, and again.

The early morning of January 5th, 2021 I experienced the height of God's joy, the depth of God's love, the breadth of God's peace in the midst of bitter grief over our only child, our firstborn son. Joy comes with the morning, especially as my Father gave me a song in the night. Psalm 118:24, "This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Two years later, Yahweh continues to strengthen me with His love, His joy, and His peace so that as we come to this 'season of Hezekiah', so wisely and kindly timed, I have a greater understanding and appreciation for God the Father sending His only and firstborn Son to destroy the works of satan; sin and death.

I was hesitant to put my background, my education, my earthly identities in my introduction to this writing project because none of it is my true identity, and it all has the tendency to distract from the fact that, “in Christ you are all sons of God, through faith. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:26, 28)

When I was single, I sought wisdom and comfort from other women who had or were suffering through singleness. When I was barren and it was not the Lord’s will for us to adopt or become parents, I sought wisdom and comfort from other women who struggled with infertility. But, there were no others with my particular hardships…no one else could truly understand, empathize, or counsel.

I thought the earthly situation, circumstance, affliction was the unifying factor, and necessary to receive comfort, encouragement, wisdom to endure the suffering to God’s glory. But it is not. That is the foolish ‘wisdom’ of the world to divide people into various ‘support groups’ based on earthly experience.

The wisdom of our Creator is true wisdom. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in EVERY respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 Our Wonderful Counselor

God gathers His people together to build us up individually and corporately into His Church, His Body, His kingdom, His family. The Spirit of Jesus dwelling in each of us is the unifying factor, which will never be removed.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in ALL our affliction, SO THAT we may be able to comfort those who are in ANY affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” II Corinthians 1:3-4

This is not a blog about singleness, marriage, illness, health, education, infertility, loss of children, motherhood, homemaking, etc. But these things will be shared about in their proper place, as mere tools in my Redeemer’s hand to draw me closer to Himself.

-Soli Deo gloria